Mental Health Mondays: A Confused Mindset & Paranoia

I’m a lucky person, I have a home with a family, we have laughs and there’s always food on the table and a bed for me to lay in. 

Many people would describe me as a funny, bubbly, easy going person. This is true I love nothing more than to be kind to people, be silly and laugh my head off. I spend a lot of my life trying to make other people feel comfortable being themselves, that’s how I role. Man how I wish I could do that myself. I enjoy to challenge myself, Reading festival last year was the best thing ever, I was told not to go in big crowds and mosh (it’s a bit of a trigger for me) but I pushed my boundaries and had the best time of my life!

I’m one of those suffer in silence kind of people, the “save your tears for the pillow” type. I choose to keep my mental state very private…it just makes me feel stronger that no one knows. But, it’s really because I’m embarrassed by it. I’m scared it’ll make me lose my friends and even my closest relationships, sometimes I think it’d be much easier to have a broken leg or something…at least it’s not as scary to explain or for other people to understand! 

It all started for me when I was about 5 years old, my parents begun to realise I got worried and worked up over the smallest things (I won’t bore you with the details). But after my mums concern I saw someone and was diagnosed with anxiety. I learned ways to suppress the nerves; one of the best tips I was given, was to take a breather if I got extremely nervous, step back and list the reasons why I was worried. Then slowly eliminate them by realising it wasn’t going to be that bad. Don’t get me wrong its still there, but its helped and I’m grateful for that. 

I am now 18 and have developed signs of paranoia and body dysmorphia, these have developed in the last 2 years. I know what you’re thinking, oh typical she hates how she looks. But that’s the issue, I believe whoever I tell isn’t going to take it seriously and think I’m a vain horrible person when I’m nothing of the sort. I avoid mirrors, I constantly think something needs to be fixed. It’s hard, I worry I’m going to lose my relationships because I always think they could do better. There are some route causes to these problems including an ex, other people, personal problems and being surrounded by people I think are amazing, beautiful and 100x better than me (but again I’m not gonna bore ya it’s looonnnngggg). But hey it ain’t all bad! Last year I took up photography, this is perfect for me, I’ve found something I don’t have to be in front for the camera for and my work can speak for me. I tend to joke around about my issues, making light of things makes me feel better. The main thing to remember is you’re not alone. 

Whilst being at college I’ve met this insane girl (the one and only blogger herself). Having this person that gets me is the best thing that’s happened to me, talking to people is good but having someone you know will be there no matter what is what makes ME happy. It’s still tough, I still struggle, but personally having loving people around me and a hobby I am proud of, makes me feel good! Lots of people tell you NOT to suffer in silence but I think you should do what makes YOU feel strong, whether that’s talking it out or keeping it to yourself, you do you. Remember you are you and that’s the best you can be.

This was a post from one of my closest friends Marcie, so thank you so much to her for doing this for ‘Mental Health Mondays’. You can follow Marcie on Instagram here. She also took this stunning photo as well, I mean how talented is she?!